Feeling Self-Conscious? 6 Tips to Turn it Around Fast!

When you feel self-conscious it means you are putting too much attention on your self, too much focus on what you are doing and how you are doing it. And this is a formula for poor performance.

The secret then to dealing with this problem is to become other conscious.

If all you do is shift your focus from self to others you will communicate better, perform better and become a far better listener.

Another positive consequence is that other people will enjoy spending time with you because it is so obvious you give them your complete attention.

Your goal is to become so fascinated by other people that your focus is on what they say, how they say it and why they say it.

6 Tips for Becoming Other Conscious:

1. Pay attention to the way people breathe, watch closely and observe the relationship between breathing and speaking.

2. Listen not just to what people say but the way they say it. Pay very close attention to speech patterns, changes in tempo, volume and tone.

3. Ask thoughtful questions to understand the way others think. Really strive to grasp why others think what they think.

4. Whenever your focus shifts back to the way you are behaving ask yourself questions about the other person so you need to pay attention to him e.g.

<ul>

<li>What does he really mean by that?

<li>How does he manage to be so boring?

<li>How does she keep people so entranced with her words?

</ul>

5. Use your imagination to change your mood and to keep your mind too occupied to be self-conscious.

You could for example imagine that the people you are talking to are wearing no clothes or inappropriate clothes. Why not have some fun, feel good and still enjoy a good conversation?

You owe it to yourself to find as many ways as possible to feel good. As I have said before excellent communication skills are more dependant on your mental and emotional states than on clever language patterns.

6. Use affirmations to condition a new belief about your ability to be relaxed and other conscious. For example:

<ul>

<li>I am fascinated by the way people talk

<li>I give my complete attention to whoever I talk to

<li>I am an excellent conversationalist

<li>I feel fantastic when I meet new people

</ul>

About The Author

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: <a href="http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm" target="_new">http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm</a>

Who Do You Talk To?

Many of you reading this will be running businesses, or parts of, whether they are your own or not. This means that you have many things to deal with on a day to day basis plus trying to do the long-term thinking needed to lead and run the business. You probably find yourself being very busy, possibly working long hours and, if you are honest, being reactive most of the time. When do you get (or make!) time to really think about your business or the way you are operating personally? (Working on the business rather than in it!) Among the dilemmas you face are; making time to tune out and relax, time think about the business, and finding time talk to about the issues and frustrations.

When you are a leader in a business you face a number of challenges at different levels. Ask yourself how much focus you put on to these:

Strategic issues: <ul><li>Assessing the market and what is happening?</li> <li>Who are your main competition ? and what are they doing?</li> <li>Medium and long-range goals and aims ? and planning?</li> <li>What direction do you want to go in, why and how?</li> <li>Implications?</li></ul>

Tactical issues <ul><li>Day to day challenges</li> <li>Financial aspects, especially cash flow</li> <li>Monitoring and control of your business and the activity</li> <li>Sales and service</li> <li>Personal management style and effectiveness</li></ul>

People issues <ul><li>Staff ? numbers, performance, motivation, development</li> <li>Customers and suppliers</li> <li>Colleagues and working relations</li></ul>

As we said earlier, many in your position are so busy dealing with the running of the operation they rarely take time to think about these things in a more detached way. Does this apply to you? This is often compounded by a sense of isolation, brought about by their position too. (Is this familiar?) Who do you talk to about your own style of running the business or handling your people? Who can you share concerns with, without feeling you are weakening your position?

This inability to spend time, or the right amount of time, on these vital areas of your business carries risks! Also, what do you do about your own, personal challenges and concerns? Any sense of isolation and not being able to talk to the appropriate people also has risks. Not many set out to fail in their business lives. Why do they? Often, because the avoid dealing with these risks (possibly even denying them until it is too late.). Sometimes, there may be a combination of circumstances which mean that it cannot be stopped. However, often, disasters can be prevented with the right degree of warning or the right type of support. Many people running businesses, or organisations, are too close to them. They do not have time to work out what they are doing well and to arrange to do more of these things. When things may not be going the right way, they do not consider things objectively. The pressures might build to stress and it seems even harder to share concerns with a third party. This can lead to a downward spiral towards who knows where!

The risks to the business can affect any aspect of it ? and the people involved. Beyond that, there are also risks to other areas of your life. If things are going awry, the other part to suffer may be your family or friends. If you are using them as your sounding board, or just carrying bad news or discussing concerns with them it may not help those relationships! (Nor does hiding these things from them either!)

So what can you do if you feel you do want someone to talk to? You can use friends or family, but they do not necessarily provide the encouragement for you to step away and look at things in an objective way. There are various options which you can consider. There is no one &quot;right&quot; approach. You need to consider which seems to be the most suitable for you at the time, given the circumstances.

Advisors: This might be your accountant, someone from your bank or a person you know with a specific &quot;technical&quot; competence who you can turn to. Think about them as someone you can present your situation to and ask for their ideas, or suggestions, about what you could, or should, do. They can be very useful when you need the particular expertise.

Network: Depending on how you operate, you will probably have some sort of network of contacts, whether part of a formal set-up or not. Think about who you know, who has what qualities or skills you can respect or admire and then approach them. (If you are in an organisation, consider colleagues or bosses.) If you have a few friends or acquaintances who are also running businesses, or are people you respect in their field, you may want to consider initiating a support network for you all. (Or create a &quot;mastermind&quot; group.) Arrange to meet at a regular time with the aim of having a short, focused meeting to address specific issues and goals ? using your colleagues as a sounding board, and for challenge and support. Do not slide out to a purely social gathering, that can come later!! Be disciplined in the way you work and you will all benefit.

Mentors: A mentor is somewhat different to a coach, though we could go into a long debate about where the differences lie. Typically, a mentor is someone who has relevant experience and expertise to share with you, though they do not necessarily give specific advice. Many of us use mentors at times in our lives, often without knowing it. We find the person we respect and start to talk to them! A number of large organisations have set up formal mentoring schemes and you may have experienced this. There are many mentoring options available through professional bodies or on a local level, although many of these are focussed on helping you to achieve professional qualifications or maintaining CPD criteria. If you want to look for a mentor, you might want to approach your networks and even family and ask for their ideas or recommendations. You want somebody who will be a good listener to act as a sounding board, who can then share ideas from their own experiences about what pitfalls to consider and what options you may want to pursue. The mentoring relationship can be formal, informal or a combination ? with a frequency to suit you.

Coaches: This can be an emotive subject these days! The world seems to be filling with &quot;executive&quot; and &quot;life&quot; coaches. Fundamentally, executive coaches will work with you on business and career issues, life coaches work with you on what you want, which may span both work and home. However, the boundaries are often more blurred than that and good executive coaches (who probably have more business experience than many life coaches) will frequently work with you on both aspects.

Coaches will work differently to mentors in that they rarely offer advice. A good coach will support and challenge you on your issues and help you to focus on what you want to achieve. When that is defined they will help you to develop action plans and support you through these, whether by phone, email or face to face sessions. To get good value from a coach, decide what you want to achieve and have some idea of the timescale for this. Although the relationship can go on beyond this, consider the coach as someone to help you achieve specific aims and who will keep you moving forward ? as many sports people, musicians and actors do amongst others.

Having a coach may seem something of a luxury or self-indulgence. However, what is the cost of things going wrong or not working the way you want? Coaching can be shown to have a significant ROI and could be one of the best investments you make for you and your business. You want to make sure that you feel a good &quot;fit&quot; with a coach, so look at a few before deciding on who you want to work with and check some of the following: <ul> <li>Formal coaching qualifications may help, but they do not guarantee that the coach will be right for you and your issue.</li> <li>What is their experience, their style and the way they would work with you.</li> <li>Do you want all the sessions face to face or do you also want some support by phone and email? What will be most suitable for you?</li> <li>What is their approach to coaching? Do they have particular models or approaches?</li> <li>How flexible are they?</li> </ul> You always have the option of doing nothing!! However, there are risks as we have said and these can creep up on you. You do not have to formally get a mentor or coach, but just talking things over with friends at the gym or the golf club might not help too much. Your family and friends may seem very encouraging. Is that what you need? Sometimes, it is someone who can listen in a slightly more detached way, question and challenge you whilst wanting you to succeed in your career or your business. So it might be worth finding someone to talk to!!! After all, no man (or woman) is an island!

Graham Yemm a founding partner of Solutions 4 Training Ltd. During his years as a consultant he has worked with a variety of major companies in the U.K., Europe, USA, the Middle East and Russia in Sales, People and Management Skills. He has had many years of experience tailoring programmes to address organisational issues around sales, account management, negotiations, sales management and customer service ? especially focusing on the communication and personal skills aspects. Graham is a Master Practitioner of NLP and was involved with setting up and running &quot;The Business Group&quot;, which promotes uses of NLP in organisations. He is an accredited trainer for the LAB profile programme ? &quot;Words that Change Minds&quot;. His personal enjoyment comes from helping individuals to take more responsibility for their own actions? freeing them to feel they can make more choices about their lives. Contact, <a target="_new" href="http://www.solutions4training.com">http://solutions4training.com</a> or +1483 480656

Do You Need a Performance Coach?

In today's fast paced world, we are often confronted with the issue, &quot;I want to get in shape, but I just don't have the time!&quot; We all have faced it at one time or another. So, when we finally decide to get in shape we go to the gym, and then another decision hits us. Should you get a personal trainer? That would speed up the process, I mean, they have taken massive amounts of time to study the body, and know how best to work out without hurting yourself. They can help you with a proper diet, implementing exercise into your lifestyle, etc. Also, I do not know of a single professional athlete who does not have a coach or mentor?get the hint?

Now I have another question?why don't you have a business coach? This person has studied the practices of peak performers in our business world, can implement change, and can hold you accountable for continuing progress. Your goals and aspirations will be your coach's priority, and they will show you how to go through the process without you spending years studying it yourself. Whether you are in sales, customer service, or another field, you will learn the principles of performing at your peak potential.

Any person of influence knows that &quot;success leaves footprints&quot;, so a quality coach can turn you on to new ideas that will increase your performance in the business world. You can be more successful and have a more financially rewarding career if you hire a performance coach, just as hiring a trainer will do with your physical body. It will save you countless mistakes and make your job more profitable and fulfilling than ever before!

So, get in shape; I mean business shape! Learn what the top performers have already learned and get help from a professional. A quality coach can easily be the best return on investment you will ever make!

Michael Niles is a Seattle based sales trainer, speaker, and coach. He can be reached at 206-229-3119, <a href="mailto:michael6941@hotmail.com">michael6941@hotmail.com</a>, or <a target="_new" href="http://www.focustrainingsystems.com">http://www.focustrainingsystems.com.</a>

Where to Begin?

January is the king of months for those looking to make new beginnings. After the reflections and indulgences of December, the excitement of a new year unfolding brings contemplation of better days ahead.

Unfortunately for many, contemplation is where the party ends. As the clock ticks over into February and then unwinds into March, hopes of transformation begin to fade, the habits of old return, together with the routines of years past. Not because of a lack of enthusiasm or good intentions mind you, but rather a lack of knowing where to start.

The best place to start.

What I am going to say now may sound radical as well as a little simplistic, but the best place for you to start is from exactly where you are right now. Take some time to actually let these words sink in, as they contain the seeds of your own personal greatness.

'If only'.

You've probably caught yourself contemplating at one stage or another what it would be like 'if only' you could start somewhere else. I know that I have felt this way at various stages in the past. The type of internal ponderings I am talking about here are things such as 'if only I'd gone to University', 'if only my parents hadn't got divorced', 'if only I had more experience', then maybe, just maybe I'd have what it takes to go after my dreams.

If you find yourself engaging in this kind of dialogue, then start to build your awareness around it. Regardless of the experiences that you've either had to relish or endure in the past, they have given you one magical ingredient. They have prepared you for now. All your disappointments, triumphs, hopes and fears have brought you to this moment. In acknowledging and accepting them as they are, you consciously begin to reclaim your power to take control of your own life.

Know where you want to go.

Once you have accepted where you are, you have to decide where it is you want to go. If no particular course of action immediately resonates with you, then begin to more fully explore the things that you enjoy doing most. Think about what your life would be like if you spent more of your life experiencing the things that you really love. We all have the power to achieve this within us, you just have to be prepared to be open to it.

If on the other hand you're not enjoying anything at this present time in life then it is time for you to start being a little more experimental. Begin to do things that you've never done before. Enroll on a photography course, strike up a conservation with someone you don't know or go and spend some time in nature. Make sure whatever you choose to do is outside of your present comfort zone. When you continually broaden your experience of life, you create the opportunities necessary to re-ignite your passion for living.

What are you prepared to change?

To get from where you are now to where you want to go you have to go through a process of transformation. It doesn't mean you have to change everything all at once but it does mean you have to change. Take some to time to think about what it is you are 'prepared' to change in order to move in the direction of your dreams. So many of us focus on what we feel we 'should' change. For example, if you are a smoker and for whatever reason you feel it is something you 'should' change, just ask yourself whether it is something you are 'prepared' to change. As soon as you are 'prepared' to change, you will find a way to give up smoking forever.

Find support.

When you are making changes in your life one of the most important things you can do is find yourself support. Support can come in many different forms. It may come in the form of an inspirational book, a workshop, a community group, an evening class, a trusted friend or family member, a work mentor, a personal trainer, a website forum or even a coach. Whatever the source, make sure that it feels comfortable for you, not just at an intellectual level but also from an intuitive level as well.

Having your essential support structures in place will give you the confidence to stride boldly in the direction of your dreams. All you have to do next is start from exactly where you are.

Copyright Damien Senn 2005. All rights reserved.

About the Author: Damien Senn is a Life and Business Coach as well as a fully qualified Chartered Accountant. He helps professionals, artists and entrepreneurs create compelling futures.

He is the author of the 'Senn-Sational Success Journal' and has developed his own coaching model called the 'Senn-Sational Success System'.

For more information see <a target="_new" href="http://www.senn-sational.com">http://www.senn-sational.com</a> or email <a href="mailto:ezines@senn-sational.com">ezines@senn-sational.com</a>.

Nourishing Your Network

It takes less effort to keep an existing customer than to gain a new customer.

This is Business 101. Corporations focus on acquisition, but they must also focus on customer service and retention in order to be successful.

So why don't people apply this philosophy to their personal network? For some people the word &quot;networking&quot; conjures up events where people pass out business cards indiscriminately, and at the end of the evening they have enough cards to play blackjack, but no new meaningful contacts. Others think back to grad school and the career office's suggestion to find a job through networking ? which meant cold-calling older alumni and asking (or begging) for a job. Meanwhile, they may lose touch with the people they actually know. They are focusing on acquisition, but not on customer service, or retention.

Your friends, your family's friends, co-workers, buddies at the gym ? all of these people are included in your network. Are you nourishing your network ? focusing on the customer service side of the equation? Or are you only working on acquisition and letting old contacts fall off your list?

The best way to nourish your network is to help the people in it. Introduce that job-hunter to someone you know in his field. Pass on the name of your favorite B&B to the couple getting ready to celebrate their anniversary. Provide the names of your doctor, dentist, and hair stylist to your old friend who just moved back to town. And although it seems like a no-brainer, always write a note of congratulations on a promotion, wedding, or new baby. It's done less frequently than you'd think, and will make you stand out from the pack.

Of course, it's hard to help members of your network, if you have lost touch with them. Try to contact everyone in your network on a regular basis ? once per quarter is sufficient. This means contacting them with no agenda except to check in. Find out what's going on with them, and see if there is a way you can help them. Then when you do want to ask a favor, or tap into their networks,they will in turn be willing to help you.

Action steps for this month: Contact three people with whom you haven't spoken in some time. Let them know you were thinking about them, and ask how they are doing. Reconnect. Then make sure you maintain this connection, by contacting them once per quarter. Some suggestions to start your thinking:

<ul>

<li>a former boss

<li>a colleague who now works for a competitor

<li>a fraternity brother

<li>the pitcher from last summer's softball team

<li>a co-worker who has joined a different division of your company

<li>a former client

</ul>

Start this week!

Work/life balance checkpoint: Are you spending lots of energy on your business contacts, but ignoring loved ones? Writing notes to former colleagues, but forgetting your sister's birthday, puts you in the Networking Hall of Shame. Be sure your schedule this month allows for several opportunities to get together with friends and neighbors. And don't forget to call your mother! (Yes, she paid me to write that.)

(c)2004 Sara K. Collins

About The Author

Sara K. Collins, M.B.A., is a career and life coach who helps her clients gain focus and enjoy their jobs again. Sign up for her monthly e-newsletter on career development and work/life balance strategies by sending an e-mail with your name and subject line "Add me" to newsletter@sarakcollins.com. To learn more about her coaching services, go to <a href="http://www.sarakcollins.com" target="_new">http://www.sarakcollins.com</a>

<a href="mailto:sara@sarakcollins.com">sara@sarakcollins.com</a>

Developing Will Power and Self Discipline

Most people admire and respect strong individuals, who have won great success by manifesting will power and self discipline. They admire people, who with sheer will power, self discipline and ambition, have improved their life, learned new skills, overcame difficulties and hardships, reduced their weight, rose high in their chosen field or advanced on the spiritual path.

The truth is that everyone can reach high levels of will power and self-discipline through a practical method of training. These inner power are not reserved for a few special people.

Will power and self discipline are two of the most important and useful inner powers in everyone's life, and have always been considered as essential tools for success in all areas of life. They can be learned and developed like any other skill, yet, in spite of this, only few take any steps to develop and strengthen them in a systematic way.

What is will power?

It is the inner strength to make a decision, take action, and handle and execute any aim or task until it is accomplished, regardless of inner and outer resistance, discomfort or difficulties.

It bestows the ability to overcomes laziness, temptations and negative habits, and to carry out actions, even if they require effort, are unpleasant and tedious or are contrary to one's habits.

What is self discipline?

It is the rejection of instant gratification in favor of something better. It is the giving up of instant pleasure and satisfaction for a higher and better goal.

It manifests as the ability to stick to actions, thoughts and behavior, which lead to improvement and success. Self-discipline is self-control, and it manifests in spiritual, mental, emotional and physical discipline.

The purpose of self-discipline is not living a limiting or a restrictive lifestyle. It does not mean being narrow minded or living like a fakir. It is one of the pillars of success and power. It bestows the inner strength to focus all your energy on your goal, and persevere until it is accomplished.

Both of these abilities are required for daily actions and decisions, and also for making major decisions and attaining major success. They are required for doing a good job, for studying, building a business, losing weight, bodybuilding and physical exercises, maintaining good relationships, changing habits, self improvement, meditation, spiritual growth, keeping and carrying out promises and for almost everything else.

One of the most simple and effective methods to develop will power and self-discipline is by refusing to satisfy unimportant and unnecessary desires. Everyone is constantly confronted and tempted by an endless stream of desires and temptations, many of which are not really important or desirable. By learning to refuse to satisfy every one of them, you get stronger.

Refusing and rejecting useless, harmful or unnecessary desires and actions, and intentionally acting contrary to your habits, sharpen and strengthen your inner strength. By constant practice your inner power grows, just like exercising your muscles at a gym increases your physical strength. In both cases, when you need inner power or physical strength, they are available at your disposal.

Here are a few exercises:

- Don't read the newspaper for a day or two.

- Drink water when thirsty, in spite of your desire to have a soft drink.

- Walk up and down the stairs, instead of taking the lift.

- Get down from the bus one station before or after your destination, and walk the rest of the way.

- For one week, go to sleep one hour earlier than usual.

- If you like ice cream, don't have any, for a day or two.

These are only a few examples of the many exercises that can be conducted in order to develop will power and self-discipline. You might think that practicing these exercises is being tough on yourself, but they add much to the storehouse of your inner strength. By following a systematic method of training you can reach far, have more control over yourself and your life, attain your goals, improve your life, and gain satisfaction and peace of mind.

Show and prove to yourself that you are strong and in control, and practice the above exercises for a little while, before passing any judgement.

? Copyright Remez Sasson

Remez Sasson writes and teaches about self-improvement, positive thinking, creative visualization, success, mind power, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, and the publisher of the biweekly ezine, "Consciousness and Success".

Visit his website at: <a target="_new" href="http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com">http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com</a> and find articles, quotes and ebooks.

The Incredible Rightness of Being

An Age-Old Question

Searching for more meaning in our lives has been an age-old preoccupation for us humans. Why am I here? What am I meant to do? What's the point of it all? And, most importantly in the modern-day world, what is it that will make me happy?

Dissatisfaction, or "Gimme More!"

It is human nature that when we feel dissatisfied with something - be it our jobs, our homes, our relationships, or even our lives in general - we feel there is something missing. And where there's something missing, we naturally decide that we want MORE of something.

The Evolution of "More"

In her book, "Now What? 90 Days to a New Life Direction", Laura Berman Fortgang makes an interesting observation. She has noticed that the nature of the "more" has changed over the past few decades. In the late 80's and early 90's, people were interested in having more things in their outer experience - more money, more status. We thought that the key to happiness lay in our outer experience, in the external, tangible world.

In the mid- to late- 90's, the sought-after "more" was time, that fleeting intangible. We wanted more time so that we could do more, spend more time with our families, have more fun. We were still focusing on an external experience, though now an intangible one. "Work-life balance" became the catchphrase, with people frantically rushing to get more rest.

More recently, it seems that our cultural sense of "more" has once again shifted. Perhaps it is that we are beginning to realize that we may not be able to fully achieve happiness exclusively through external experiences. We are, as a group, shifting to a more core, internal, and personal definition of meaning. So yes, despite the clich? of it, we are finally beginning to realize that we are human beings, not human havings or human doings.

Meaning, Please!

Perhaps this change was spurred on by the catastrophe of 9/11, perhaps by the changing of the millennium, or maybe it's just another cultural meme. But today, more and more people are realizing that their priorities have been a bit out of whack, that there's a huge unfulfilled potential within themselves.

And that it is this unused, unexamined, and untapped part of ourselves that is the ultimate source of our internal disquiet.

The "If Only" Game

It is a clich? to say that the answer lies within. But, as with most clich?s, it also holds the seed of truth. It is common for us to blame our general sense of vague malaise (and in some cases our acute suffering) on external things. It's easy to see this if we play the "if only" game. If only I had more money; if only I got that promotion; if only I knew what I wanted to do; if only I lost that weight; if only she'd love me; if only I hadn't married him; if only I'd had different parents... Then I'd be happy and fulfilled.

The Keys to the Kingdom, or, "Mommy, Where Does Meaning Come From?"

But the path to true happiness really lies in that simple little word: BE. In some ways, easier said than done. The real learning starts when you become accustomed to listening to that small, still voice within, and to follow its guidance. By being yourself, and being true to your unique inner promptings, you are then able to live out your full potential, in full alignment with your true self.

That is where meaning comes from. And that is the goal of Inklings - to share with you tips and tools to better connect with your inner knowing.

Wisdom Through the Ages

What I present is perhaps just a slightly simplified view of human evolution over the past several decades. Many greater thinkers than I have also pondered these issues over the years. I'd like to share with you some of their thoughts.

Socrates: To do is to be
Plato: To be is to do
Shakespeare: To be or not to be?
Sinatra: Doo-be doo-be doo

So what's the bottom line, how can we distill the essence of this great wisdom? Learn to listen for who you really are and, most important of all, don't forget to laugh - and to laugh at yourself!

Plant the Seeds:

Now it's your turn. Take a couple of minutes and think about these questions. You may want to write down your answers. Really. Take out a pen. Open a new file. Your inner knowing will often come out through writing.

1. What is it that you've been pursuing "more" of over the years? How has this changed over time? Be specific.

2. Play a round (or two, or ten) of the "if only" game. What have you blamed over the years for your sense of dissatisfaction? Think back, and be specific. At the end of each round, don't forget to chuckle a little to yourself.

3. What insights into your current situation do you get from your answers to these questions?

4. Try it out: set aside 5 (just five!) minutes every day to just BE. No distractions, no thoughts, no worries, no to-do lists. After a week or two, see what you got from this experience.

Inna Nirenburg is a powerful life coach and workshop leader. She uses her deep wisdom and intuition, as well as a concrete actionable process, to help you answer the question "What's Next?" in all areas of your life. See <a target="_new" href="http://www.heyWhatsNext.com">www.heyWhatsNext.com</a> for more information.

Budda In Your Back Pocket

The other day I was late for something. Not very late. In fact, I was actually on time but an angry voice berated me anyway, saying, "You are late! There will be no seats left. You wouldn't run late if you were more organized!" It was a terrible feeling, especially because the voice was partially right.

Who was this voice yelling at me? It was my nemesis ? the Shrew who lives in my head.

We all get annoyed at ourselves from time to time; it is only natural. But for some of us, it can become an unrelenting bother. There can be no contentment when the Shrew is on the scene!

Some call it a gremlin, others an inner critic, others negative self-talk. I call her the Shrew. No matter what you call yours, you know who I mean. She's fierce, she's damning and she's quick to pounce on every mistake you make, turning them into capital offenses. The Shrew exaggerates our flaws, smashes our self-esteem, ruins our confidence, distracts us from what we are doing and makes us miserable.

I am choosing not to live with it anymore! I invite you to do the same. There is a force which can tame the Shrew: The Buddha in Your Back Pocket*.

Think of a time when you witnessed a stranger being scolded and felt badly for them. Perhaps it was a worker being accused by an angry boss of "screwing things up" for something you knew wasn't their fault. Did you wish you could go up to that worker and say, "Don't pay any attention to them. I saw what happened and I know you are a doing a good job!"

This softer side of you is the anti-Shrew. It is empathy and compassion. The Shrew is afraid of it because she fears you might offer it to yourself. It is a skill to learn to apply this loving, tender, supportive side of ourselves to ourselves. Many of us, me included, are not in the habit of it.

The morning I was late, Ms. Shrew was in full force. But, before she could ruin my day, I was able to ward her off by pulling out the Buddha in My Back Pocket. It felt a bit like Luke Skywalker yielding a light saber against Darth Vader. "Luke, use the force!"

I let the powerful voice of the Buddha in My Back Pocket counter the accusations of the Shrew. He asked, "What were your reasons for making the choices you did this morning?" and "Would you make these same choices again?" Then he reminded me of two universal truths: "You are doing the best you can" and "Growth involves observing one's actions and then learning from them." Under this influence of love and a genuine intention to seek understanding, I was able to temporarily silence the Shrew, objectively analyze my "lateness" and gain valuable personal insight. Within a few minutes, I felt relieved, re-engaged in life and able to peacefully continue with the rest of my day.

Unfortunately, we can't eradicate the Shrew completely. But we can learn to access this equalizing force: the pursuit of empathetic understanding ? a loving friend that takes your side and helps you learn about yourself in a safe and protected way. The Buddha in your Back Pocket is always with you to calm your mind, forgive your errs, and remind you of the growth in your life. As you cultivate your relationship with the Buddha in your Back Pocket, you will experience more self-love, confidence and peace.

Life is too short to spend time unnecessarily berating ourselves with critical self-talk! Go forth into your day and bring the Buddha in Your Back Pocket with you. You never know when you might need it!

*I do not wish to offend anyone by using the title Buddha. I have the utmost respect for the Buddhist tradition. In this article, I refer to Buddha as a representation of an enlightened teacher offering guidance to those who chose to listen.

Deirdre's coaching is an accelerant that helps produce results. Through scheduled teleconferences, Deirdre creates a structured environment where you can work towards your goals. Using practical analysis, active listening and brainstorming, she challenges you to improve your quality of life immediately.

Looking for a topic and speaker for your next meeting? Why not: "How to Create Exceptional Work-Life Balance" based on Deirdre's upcoming book Intensely Content: Seven Steps to Experiencing More Joy in Your Life? Work-Life balance is always a crowd-pleasing topic! Call Deirdre today to discuss the details of your event: 207-439-4280.

Coaching Skills and Positive Motivation

There is one important point that is often missed in the discussion of Coaching Skills: Effective coaching is a great deal more than just problem solving. Many people misinterpret coaching as only a corrective process aimed at specific error and deficiencies of an individual. Actually, the use of coaching skills doesn't always have to be driven by problems. Challenges, opportunities, and obstacles that transcend any one member of the organization can be the motivating force. This type of coaching is very exciting to do. It is less personalized in nature and therefore not as stressful or tense. Although it does require certain skills, mindset, and approaches used in problem solving, it can be applied to positive coaching, which is designed to empower employees to go farther and contribute in new ways.

We have found it hard to motivate some leaders to take responsibility for positive coaching seriously. Many leaders tell us, &quot;I don't have any problems with my employees. They are all good people, they work hard and pull their own weight, and frankly I can't think of a thing I would change or talk to them about.&quot;

If I had a dollar for every time I have heard this comment, I would be basking in the sun on an exotic beach rather than writing this article. Managers think they are &quot;off the hook&quot; because they see nothing to change, correct, or improve upon. They couldn't be further from the truth. In reality, these fortunate leaders need to be as active in their coaching role as in the leader who is beset with enormous problems. In fact, wise leaders are extremely active when things are going well. They coach and confer with employee on how to maintain and sustain the current state of affairs or develop strategies on how to move closer to their visions and values. In short, good leaders are not satisfied with acceptable performance.

Leaders cannot be silent. To achieve the full potential and maximize employee contributions, leaders need some restless dissatisfaction with the status quo, to encourage others to reach new heights. Whatever leaders and their units achieve will be the product of the behavior of those who work for them.

The fact of the matter is organizations are downsizing. There are fewer promotional opportunities and more career plateaus with increasing numbers of professional employees. Still many organizations have many good performers with no specific performance problems. These are all realities of modern organization life that contributes to the need for positive coaching skills. Since problem-solving coaching sessions produce a certain amount of stress, it is easy to think that most of the manager's time will be spent in this type of session. This is not necessarily the case at all.

To put the two types of session into proper perspective, we believe effective mangers will spend 75% of their coaching time in positives session. The reason we emphasize the problem-solving session in our writing and coaching skills workshop is because this area is more challenging, confronting, and will tax the leader's skills and patience heavily.

Steven J. Stowell, PhD is the co-founder of the <a target="_new" href="http://www.cmoe.com/cmoe.html">Center for Management and Organization Effectiveness</a>.

To learn more about the 25 years of research CMOE has conducted around <a target="_New" href="http://www.cmoe.com/coaching-skills.htm">coaching skills</a>, or to learn more about our <a target="_new" href="http://www.cmoe.com/bookstore.htm">books</a> and program, contact our Regional Manager at (801) 569-3444.

Self-contentment Leads to Confidence

Being self-content means accepting and acknowledging who you are at your core and becoming satisfied -- maybe not perfect, but satisfied -- in all areas of your life. When you learn to better understand, better appreciate and eventually love yourself, you exude a quiet confidence that will open doors to what you want in life.

One way to develop a strong sense of self-contentment is to give yourself the gift of self-appreciation. Offer yourself the same respect and kindness you give to others you care deeply for. In doing so, you will feel more at peace with yourself, be strong in your convictions and easily stand up for yourself. Here are three ways to support you in becoming more confident.

1. Silence Your Inner Critic
Many women have a tendency to focus on what is "wrong" about themselves rather than what is "right." We tend to pick out and pick on the parts of ourselves we like the least. This disapproving inner critic (that little voice inside our head that points our faults and undermines our achievements) needs to be silenced. Instead of focusing on what you don't like about yourself, do your best to acknowledge and appreciate what makes you unique. Your smile. Your sense of humor. Your eyes. Now go further. What qualities define you as a person? Resist the temptation to criticize yourself. This is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned with intentional action.

2. Surround Yourself with Positive Environments
In order to remain confident or regain confidence, you have to ensure that you surround yourself with positive environments ? emotionally and physically. This means cultivating friendships that enrich your life. A well-meaning friend that consistently points out your faults may be undermining your sense of self. Seek out people who care about you and can list all your lovely qualities instead. Fill your personal space with objects that inspire you, such as pictures of loved ones, keepsakes and favorite books.

3. Acknowledge Your Achievements
Like most women, you may have been brought up not to be boastful. However, there is a distinction between bragging and not recognizing your accomplishments and contributions. We have all achieved things in our lives, both big and small, personally and professionally. But oftentimes, we cross that achievement off our "to-do" list and quickly move to the next item, with little or no celebration. When you give yourself permission to feel positive about your accomplishments and refuse to listen to your inner critic, you will feel pleased within yourself. You will proudly share your wins, rather than apologize for them. You might even amaze yourself when triumphal works such as "I am one awesome lawyer," "I am the best mother ever," or "I rock" roll off your tongue with hardly at thought.

Watch out universe, here you come!

Lisa Martin, PCC (Professional Certified Coach), is the author of Briefcase Moms: 10 Proven Practices to Balance Working Mothers' Lives. She lives what she writes and talks about. A working mother with 20 years of corporate and entrepreneurial experience, she is the founder and president of Briefcase Moms, an international coaching and personal development company with a mission to &quot;make it easier for you to live a balanced and successful life.&quot; She helps female professionals, executives and entrepreneurs have an amazing career, family and life. Subscribe to her free newsletter at: <a target="_new" href="http://www.briefcasemoms.com">http://www.briefcasemoms.com</a>

Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior

When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.

&quot;Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can't seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it's not good enough.&quot;

&quot;I just can't seem to connect with Zack. He's a really nice guy but I just can't feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don't really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he's always wanting something from me and I just don't like being around him. And he's so darn nice! What's wrong with me that I don't like someone being so nice?&quot;

I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.

Zack was a caretaker. He tried to control by being a &quot;nice guy&quot; and doing everything he thought Tiffany wanted, including making dinner every night, doing the laundry, and doing most of the child-care, even though both of them worked. He secretly believed that if he was nice enough, he could have control over Tiffany loving him and being turned on to him. What he didn't realize is that his niceness was really a &quot;pull&quot; on Tiffany, which is one reason she kept her distance. Underneath, Zack had a big fear of rejection and was trying to have control over Tiffany not rejecting him.

Tiffany was trying to control Zack primarily with her criticism. She was critical any time she felt Zack wanting something from her to make him feel safe and loved. She had a secret hope that if she criticized him enough, he would stop pulling on her for affection, sex and attention. Unconsciously, Tiffany had a huge fear of enfulfment, and was trying to protect herself from being engulfed and controlled by Zack. In addition, Tiffany could not experience who Zack was because he was putting himself aside to please her. She could not connect with him until he was authentically himself.

Everything Zack did to protect against rejection tapped into Tiffany's fear of engulfment, while everything Tiffany did to protect against engulfment tapped into Zack's fear of rejection. The more Zack pulled with niceness, the more Tiffany moved away, and the more Tiffany moved away, the more Zack pulled. What was the way out of this protective circle?

Both Zack and Tiffany needed to learn how to take loving care of themselves, rather than attempt to control the other. Zack needed to learn how to not take Tiffany's behavior as a personal rejection. He needed to see that her withdrawal was coming from her fear of engulfment that he was tapping into, but he was not the cause of her fear. She had this fear way before meeting him. Zack also needed to start to be loving to himself rather than &quot;nice&quot; to Tiffany. He needed to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings of well-being instead of being dependent upon Tiffany for them. In learning to take care of himself, he would naturally stop pulling on Tiffany for his sense of worth and security.

Tiffany needed to learn to speak her truth without blaming or judging. Instead of withdrawing and criticizing, she needed to stand up for herself and set loving limits with Zack in order to move beyond her fear of engulfment. She needed to learn to say things like, &quot;Zack, I appreciate the dinner you made, but I feel like you made it with an expectation that I should now love you, rather than because you felt like making dinner. I'd rather that you not make dinner unless you are doing it because you really want to and without an expectation attached. I feel pulled on and it doesn't feel good.&quot;

Zack and Tiffany decided that it was worth learning how to be loving to themselves and then see what happened with their marriage. Fortunately, because both of them were devoted to learning to take full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs, they were able to move out of their protective, controlling circle and into a loving circle. As they learned to take responsibility for themselves, their love for each other gradually returned.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: <a href="http://www.innerbonding.com" target="_new">http://www.innerbonding.com</a> or <a href="mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com">mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.</a> Phone sessions available.

Coaches, Do You Make These 7 Deadly Cash Flow Mistakes in Your Practice?

Managing cash flow is every small business owner's most important function. Avoid these seven deadly mistakes to make sure you aren't creating cash flow problems in your coaching practice.

1. Using the &quot;Fly By The Seat of Your Pants&quot; Accounting Method.

When tax time rolls around do you find yourself pawing through piles of paper on your desk looking for credit card receipts from your business trip? Or are you upside down digging under the seat of your car trying to figure out where all your gas receipts are? Are you wondering if that coffee stained piece of paper is an invoice from a supplier? Do you have a vague feeling that someone, somewhere owes you money but, you just can't remember who it is? If so, you're probably guilty of operating with the &quot;Fly By the Seat of Your Pants&quot; accounting method.

Using this accounting method has a tremendous impact on your business's cash flow. Unless you have a system to track your business finances, you'll always be operating in the dark and in danger of imitating George of the Jungle as he slams into a tree.

2. Not Knowing What the Numbers Are All About.

Once you have a real honest to goodness useful accounting system, that's where the real fun starts. You've got a bunch of numbers but what in the world do you do with them?

Understanding what the numbers mean is crucial to your cash flow. Are sales trending up or down? Are expenses rising faster than sales? Is one coaching package more profitable or better selling than another? How many clients do you need to meet expenses each month? Can you take a paycheck this month? The answers all lie in the numbers.

3. Mismanaging Credit: I Owe You, You Owe Me.

There are two ways to mismanage credit in small business:

1. Granting credit without wise credit policies

2. Using credit with no plan of how to pay the bill.

Both have a huge impact on your cash flow and are often closely related. Here's a scenario to demonstrate that point. You have two opportunities: you can work on a big project for a corporate client or you can take on several small clients. You might think the big client is the way to go but how long will it take you to get paid? Often, large companies take their time paying-sometimes 60 or 90 days, sometimes longer. You may find that you've tied up a tremendous amount of your time with no cash flow to pay your bills. The smaller clients could provide you with more immediate cash flow without tying up all your time.

And it's easy when times get tough to pull out your credit card to cover your current expenses. But doing this with no plan of how you'll pay the bill gets many small business owners in hot water fast.

4. Ignoring the relationship between Receivables and Payables.

Do your Receivables and Payables &quot;play nice&quot; with each other? In a perfect world your receivables (what customers owe you) would be paid just in time for you to pay your payables (what you owe your vendors). But, if you're a small business owner you know Rule #1 is &quot;Stuff Happens&quot;. The customer you thought would pay his bill this week, doesn't. So the bills you thought you could pay this week, don't get paid.

Are your Payables in balance with you Receivables? If what you owe to others is far more than what is owed to you, then, Houston, you have a problem.

And it's not just the balance that's important, it's the quality as well. If your receivables are as old as your Aunt Tilly, chances are good you'll never see the cash.

5. Focusing on profit instead of cash flow.

Ahh, Profit. The ultimate goal of every business. Or is it? Did you know that many businesses that fail are operating at a profit? How can that be? For the small business, cash flow is the ultimate goal. No cash flow. No business. Period.

What's the difference? Mostly the difference is in the decision making process. &quot;If I take on this big job, it will earn me a huge profit, but if I take on five smaller jobs, I'll have cash to pay my bills.&quot; Yes, you want to be profitable but every decision has to be measured against the effect it will have on cash flow.

6. Forgetting your debt to society.

Some bills are easy to forget. Bills like insurance, payroll taxes, estimated taxes. They sort of sit out there, almost off the radar screen. They don't have to be paid right away. It's easy to forget them until BAM! they're due and they're due right now. And you better have the money to pay them or you're in hot water. Then, cash flow problems result as you rob Peter to pay Paul. It can take months or even years to recover.

7. Spending your company's future on a speed boat.

Haven't you always wanted a speed boat? Or a fancy car? Or an all expense paid trip to the Bahamas? It might be tempting to try to pass your personal purchases off as tax deductible business expenses. But, it's a bad idea for two reasons.

The folks who work at the IRS are over-worked but they're not stupid. The last thing you need is an audit. An audit that could reveal your transgressions and could result in an unexpected tax bill plus penalties and interest. Again, huge cash flow headache!

Here's the other reason it's a bad idea. Are you spending your company's future on frivolous or unnecessary expenses? Small businesses operate close to the edge. Unless you have a reserve to see you through the tough times, you're always in danger of being on the wrong side of that edge. You've got to take care of the goose that lays the golden eggs first. Then, you can pay yourself a properly taxed bonus and buy all the toys you want.

Caroline Jordan, MBA is a small business consultant and creator of Cash Flow Master , a Fast Track, No Holds Barred, Crash Course in Small Business Cash Flow. For more Cash Flow tips and techniques visit <a target="_new" href="http://www.TheJordanResult.com/mastering.html">http://www.TheJordanResult.com/mastering.html</a> . To get in touch, call Caroline at (207) 583-2630 or send an email to <a href="mailto:TheJordanResult@adelphia.net">TheJordanResult@adelphia.net</a>.

Body Language Speaks Louder Than Words

Has it ever occurred to you how much you are saying to people even when you are not speaking? Unless you are a master of disguise, you are constantly sending messages about your true thoughts and feelings whether you are using words or not.

Studies show that your words account for only 7% of the message you convey. The remaining 93% is non-verbal. 55% of communication is based on what people see and the other 38% is transmitted through tone of voice. So think about it. In the business setting, people can see what you are not saying. If your body language doesn't match your words, you are wasting your time.

Eye contact is the most obvious way you communicate. When you are looking at the other person, you show interest. When you fail to make eye contact, you give the impression that the other person is of no importance. Maintain eye contact about 60% of the time in order to look interested, but not aggressive.

Facial expression is another form of non-verbal communication. A smile sends a positive message and is appropriate in all but a life and death situation. Smiling adds warmth and an aura of confidence. Others will be more receptive if you remember to check your expression.

Your mouth gives clues, too, and not just when you are speaking. Mouth movements, such as pursing your lips or twisting them to one side, can indicate that you are thinking about what you are hearing or that you are holding something back.

The position of your head speaks to people. Keeping your head straight, which is not the same as keeping your head on straight, will make you appear self-assured and authoritative. People will take you seriously. If you want to come across as friendly and open, tilt your head to one side.

Where you place your arms suggests how receptive you. Arms crossed or folded over your chest say that you have shut other people out and have no interest in them or what they are saying. This position can also say, &quot;I don't agree with you.&quot; You might just be cold, but unless you shiver at the same time, the person in front of you may get the wrong message.

How you use your arms can help or hurt your image as well. Waving them about may show enthusiasm to some, but others see this gesture as one of uncertainty and immaturity. The best place for your arms is by your side. You will look confident and relaxed. If this is hard for you, do what you always do when you want to get better at something-practice. After a while, it will feel natural.

The angle of your body gives an indication to others about what's going through your head. Leaning in says, &quot;Tell me more.&quot; Leaning away signals you've heard enough. Adding a nod of your head is another way to affirm that you are listening.

Posture is just as important as your grandmother always said it was. Sit or stand erect if you want to be seen as alert and enthusiastic. When you slump in your chair or lean on the wall, you look tired. No one wants to do business with someone who has no energy.

Control your hands by paying attention to where they are. In the business world, particularly when you deal with people from other cultures, your hands need to be seen. That would mean you should keep them out of your pockets and you should resist the urge to put them under the table or behind your back. Having your hands anywhere above the neck, fidgeting with your hair or rubbing your face, is unprofessional.

Legs talk, too. A lot of movement indicates nervousness. How and where you cross them tells others how you feel. The preferred positions for the polished professional are feet flat on the floor or legs crossed at the ankles. The least professional and most offensive position is resting one leg or ankle on top of your other knee. Some people call this the &quot;Figure Four.&quot; It can make you look arrogant.

The distance you keep from others is crucial if you want to establish good rapport. Standing too close or &quot;in someone's face&quot; will mark you as pushy. Positioning yourself too far away will make you seem standoffish. Neither is what you want so find the happy medium. Most importantly, do what makes the other person feel comfortable. If the person with whom you are speaking keeps backing away from you, stop. Either that person needs space or you need a breath mint.

You may not be aware of what you are saying with your body, but others will get the message. Make sure it's the one you want to send.

About The Author

Lydia Ramsey is a business etiquette expert, professional speaker, corporate trainer and author of MANNERS THAT SELL ? ADDING THE POLISH THAT BUILDS PROFITS. She has been quoted or featured in The Wall Street Journal, Investors' Business Daily, Cosmopolitan and Woman's Day. For more information about her programs, products and services, e-mail her at <a href="mailto:lydia@mannersthatsell.com">lydia@mannersthatsell.com</a> or visit her web site: <a href="http://www.mannersthatsell.com" target="_new">www.mannersthatsell.com</a>

Are You Addicted To Your Activities?

Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference?

<ul>

<li>Angie would surf the channels whenever she felt stressed or alone.

<li>Karen would lose herself in a book when things felt overwhelming.

<li>Keith would retreat and meditate when his wife wanted to talk.

<li>Patty's work schedule left her little time at home.

<li>Carl spent more time in the garage fixing things than with his family.

<li>Patrick's love of running was interfering with his family time.

</ul>

Whether or not an activity is an addiction depends upon your INTENT.

<ul>

<li>When the intent of an activity is to avoid the pain of aloneness and loneliness, it is an addiction.

<li>When the intent of an activity is to avoid the pain of rejection or the fear of domination, it is an addiction.

<li>When the intent of an activity is to put off doing something you don't really want to do but need to do, it is an addiction.

</ul>

Whenever an activity is used as a way to avoid something - painful feelings, difficult or boring tasks - it becomes an addiction. It's really no different than using substances such alcohol, drugs, or food to avoid painful feelings or challenging tasks. The problem with using addictions to avoid painful feelings is that the feelings don't actually go away. They are just numbed for the moment but are silently eroding one's sense of self. We can get away with it only for so long before it shows up in some way - illness, divorce, depression, and so on. And avoiding tasks means that the tasks pile up, eventually causing the very stress we want to avoid. Our society is filled with ways to avoid. Yet it is avoidance that leads to the very feelings we are striving to avoid!

When the intent of an activity is to take loving care of yourself by providing yourself with fun, creativity and expression, relaxation, personal growth, spiritual growth, physical health and well-being, then it is a loving action rather than an addiction. It all depends on your INTENT.

Next time you want to participate in your favorite activity, you might want to notice your intent. Do you want to relax and watch TV or are you avoiding some difficult feeling or task? Do you find yourself scheduling more work than you can really handle to avoid dealing with aloneness, loneliness, or conflict with a mate, or are you really loving your work and feeling fulfilled by it? Are you exercising to support your health or to avoid feelings?

Once you become aware of using an activity to avoid, here's what you can do about it:

<li>Welcome the feeling you are trying so hard to avoid. Pay attention to the feeling - fear, loneliness, aloneness, agitation, boredom, anxiety.

<li>Make a decision to learn what YOU might be doing to cause this feeling rather than continuing to avoid it.

<li>Explore what you might be doing to cause this feeling. How are you not taking care of yourself that is causing your painful feeling? Are you procrastinating, judging yourself, or not standing up for yourself in conflict? How are you avoiding responsibility for your own well-being? Are you allowing yourself to be a victim, waiting for someone else to make you feel better?

<li>Once you understand what you are doing to cause your distress, then you need to ask &quot;What would be the loving action for myself?&quot; You are asking this question of your highest self, or of your spiritual guidance if you are connected with a source of guidance. If you open to learning about what is loving, ideas will pop into your mind.

<li>Now you need to take the loving action on your own behalf - complete a task, stand up for yourself and speak your truth with someone, and so on.

<li>Re-evaluate how you are feeling. Are you feeling more peaceful and more powerful? You will feel more peaceful if you have taken the loving action. If you are not feeling better, don't just turn back to your addictions. Look for another loving action until you find what really makes you feel safe on a deep level, not just the temporary pacification of an addiction.

You will find your addictions fading away as you learn to take loving care of yourself.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: <a href="http://www.innerbonding.com" target="_new">http://www.innerbonding.com</a> or <a href="mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com">mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com</a>. Phone sessions available.

Business Coaching Legacy: Reflections on What You Want to Leave Behind?

Updating my will has been on my mind for quite some time now. Life circumstances change, kids grow-up, financial situations changes. I procrastinated for a very long time about this will. Now that it is, I feel very satisfied and pleased. There is peace in that corner of my mind that nagged and nagged about it for so long. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to realize that people, myself included, avoid making out wills because they don't want to confront their own mortality or have to face up to making difficult decisions.

One of the things I learned from the process of making a will is that a will is an expression of love for the living. After all, the loss of you will be difficult enough for your loved ones to bear. Why add to their angst with legal problems, emotional confrontations with family members and possible financial losses.

The living, that is, those left behind, will make of a will what they will. Make no mistake, the will, is taken seriously by those left behind. Understand there will be no opportunity to explain what you really intended by leaving some treasured object to cousin Jo or why you named Sally your executor instead of your older son Bob. The child who is convinced that you love the others more than him will be looking for something in the will that proves him right and may very well find it in spite of how careful you are not to have anything in the will that might be misconstrued in that direction. So, it is a good idea to use the simplest language and clearest grammatical structure as possible.

The Last Will and Testament is exactly that. You don't get a second chance. After I dealt with distribution of the tangibles - financial assets, money and physical objects accumulated and treasured for so much of a lifetime you confront the most important part of your legacy. .

Making a will is a poignant reminder that the physical stuff, including the money, doesn't really amount to very much when all is said and done. Perhaps the appropriate background music for will making is the song "Is That All There Is?" My answer to that musical conundrum is a resounding, "No." That isn't all there is. The tangible things we leave behind have little to do with the real legacy we leave. The real legacy is the one we fashion each day of our lives by the way we live and who we are being.

How do you want to be remembered? Are you living your life in a way that is consistent with the legacy you really want to leave. Do you even know the nature of the legacy you want to leave or are you like Alfred Nobel who was fortunate enough to read his obituary printed prematurely in the daily newspaper? Much to his chagrin the obituary described the fame and fortune he accumulated from his invention of dynamite. Nobel decided then and there that dynamite and its awful potential for destruction was not the achievement for which he wanted to be remembered. And, so he established the prestigious Nobel Prizes. Today, when the name Nobel comes up the first association is with the prizes. Relatively few know he is the inventor of dynamite.

Few of us have the wherewithal to create a legacy of the magnitude of the Nobel Prizes. But all of us can recreate the opportunity Alfred Nobel had in looking at his legacy and then taking steps to change it if it displeases us.

Most of us never stop to think of the legacy we would like to leave. How do you find out what legacy you would like to leave? Here are two exercises that will help you clarify your thoughts on the subject. The first is to write your own eulogy. Warning! This can be an emotional exercise, so keep the box of tissues close at hand. Make sure you are alone and in an environment where you will not be disturbed. Before you start, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and visualize your funeral. Be objective. If you were to die tomorrow, what would be said about you? Look it over. If the eulogy you write does not please you, write down what you do want to be said about you. Look this eulogy over and decide what actions you would need to take now in order to create the legacy you really want to leave. Notice that the legacy you want to leave has little to do with your business or job. It is about the kind of person you were, who you were being when you were at work, with your family, or handling a difficult situation.

The second exercise is to imagine that you had everything you needed. Write down the words to complete the sentence "If I had__________ I would________________." What changes would you have to make in your life to live a life consistent with your dreams? This is your real legacy. What is your stand? How do you live your life?

Here are some immediate actions you may want to consider taking, with regard to your legacy.

1) If you don't have a will, call a lawyer and make an appointment today.

2) If you have a will, review it. Is it up-to-date in terms of your circumstances today? Does the language in the will say anything that could be construed as hurtful or damaging by anyone? Are you giving from a generous heart or are you attempting to control the living from the grave?

3) Ask your accountant if its time to do estate planning.

5) Now, today start creating your true legacy.

Copyright Unlimited Resources 2000, all rights reserved.

Ruth Zanes has been a <a target="_new" href="http://www.unlimitedresourcesinc.com/blog/blogger.html">Business, Career and Personal Success Coach</a> since 1985. Her broad range of experience prior to coaching includes consultant, business ownership and corporate executive for some of the world's largest corporations. Contact Ruth and see her blog and coaching resources at: <a target="_new" href="http://www.unlimitedresourcesinc.com/">http://www.unlimitedresourcesinc.com/</a>

The Student Who Knew Too Much

This article is for those of you who coach or mentor. Does this sound familiar?

&quot;Can't I just try to mail or email, do I really have to call&quot;

&quot;I was thinking I could wait to get business cards&quot;

&quot;I wanted to be successful first, before I start to market or network&quot;

&quot;Why do I have to do it that way, I thought I could do it this way&quot;

<BR>I could go on, but I think you get the picture. I am always amazed by students who pay us for coaching and then question every thing we tell them to do. The business card one was the kicker. I had just spent 20 minutes telling them how important business cards were, how and who to give them to, and then they had the audacity to tell me that they wanted to wait.

So you say, what do you do. Well, I tell them you paid me to coach you. You said you wanted my expertise, you wanted to be successful, you wanted to make money. However, in order to do that you need to get cards made up and you need to network, and market. You will need to use the telephone and the other forms of marketing outlined in the manual. However, remember this is YOUR BUSINESS. If you choose not to follow the methods I have outlined, then don't expect to succeed during the time frame we initially discussed. When your business doesn't take off, and you don't get the referrals; which in effect, cuts down on the number of deals (transactions, sales, etc. fill in the blank here depending upon the type of coaching you are doing) don't ask me why you didn't succeed, because I will tell you &quot;I told you so&quot;.

&quot;The student who knew too much&quot; are usually the ones that have tried other things over the years. Problems rarely occur with individuals who have worked in Corporate America, or other types of jobs during their life. They take what you say to heart and are usually the ones who succeed, and in record time I might add.

So before taking on a student find out what other things they have done, tell them up front the program will work if they follow what you tell them to do, THERE ARE NO SHORTCUTS.

Be firm, be upfront, be blunt, and then all we can do is hope for the best.Just know that you are not alone, all coaches and mentors go through this!

Copyright 2003 DeFiore Enterprises

Interested in having your own successful, home based creative real estate investing business? Chuck and Sue have been helping folks start successful home based businesses for over 19 years, and we can help you too! To see how, visit <A target="_new" href="http://www.homebusinesssolutions.com/">http://www.homebusinesssolutions.com</A> for the latest FREE tips and tricks, educational products and coaching in creative real estate investing and home based businesses. No time to visit the site? Subscribe to our "how to" Home Business Solutions Digest, it's like having your own personal coach: <A href="mailto:subscribeHBS@homebusinesssolutions.com">mailto:subscribeHBS@homebusinesssolutions.com</A><BR>

Becoming An Empowered Consumer

How many times have you said to yourself?"I just wish that company would treat me like they appreciated my business!"?

For many years I trained Customer Service Reps at a large corporation. There is no doubt that it was during those years I personally became a consumer with rather high standards and expectations. It was also during that time that I realized my only point of power (as a consumer) was to take my business elsewhere if I didn't get the treatment I deserved. While it may not sound like much, take a minute and add it up!

How much do you spend at your grocery store in a year?

How much do you spend at your local gas station in a year?

How much do you spend at your Dr.'s office in a year (make sure to include what your insurance pays)?

Are you surprised?

Whether we consciously think about it or not, we are all consumers of companies and businesses who profit because we choose to do business with them. The key word here is "choose", and we'll talk about that later.

Some of the smallest businesses do a fabulous job teaching their employees how to treat their customers. Maybe it's the place you stop for coffee on the way to work in the morning. You go in, the coffee is hot and fresh, it's neat and tidy, the cashier has a big smile (even if it's really busy), and they even take the time to thank you for your business.

Then there are some of the larger companies (not all). They have mission, vision and values statements on the walls. In the employee lounge area there are posters that say something about their commitment to quality and service. Yet, when you reach the customer service or check out person, they appear lifeless?no enthusiasm, no eye contact, and virtually no acknowledgement?and god help you if you inconvenience them by asking for an explanation or a price check.

Decide right now to become an empowered consumer and give your business to those who treat you like they appreciate your business. Here's a strategy to get you there:

<li>Create a list of all the places you do business. Don't forget to include subscriptions, financial institutions, and even your handyman.

<li>Next, rate your satisfaction with each business on your list (5= Very Satisfied - 1= Not Satisfied).

<li>Review your ratings.

<li>If there are ratings of 1 or 2, take your business elsewhere?immediately.

<li>Businesses you rated 3 should be considered in the danger zone. If you choose to stay with them, at least give them some feedback on what they can do to improve. Review them again in 6 months.

<li>Repeat the process annually.

My point?you deserve to be treated with respect and appreciation, and you have a CHOICE! If you exercise that choice, you serve us all as consumers. Don't settle for less!

About The Author

Lora J Adrianse is the owner of Essential Connections. She is a Coach, Consultant and Facilitator who specializes in the development managers and business owners. She recently left a long-term corporate career to focus on her passion for helping others bring out the best in themselves through the use of Emotional Intelligence. She can be reached through her website <a href="http://www.connectionscoach.com" target="_new">www.connectionscoach.com</a>; <a href="mailto:Coach@connectionscoach.com">Coach@connectionscoach.com</a>

God, Grant Me Patience.....And, I Want It Now!!

Are you facing a difficult time in your life? Do you feel like a fish out of water? If today was a fish, would you want to throw it back in the river? If this is your situation, make no negative destructive decisions. Be Patient. Know that time can perform many miracles.

Quicker Than A New York Minute!

Yeah, I wish. But, unfortunately every time I have moved that fast it went from riches to rags. Truly, patience is one of the major ingredients that lead to consistent success. You must develop patience if you are ever going to be successful in dealing with life's problems.

Patience is not a popular subject for our, "I want it now" microwave society. Patience conjures up all kinds of thoughts like, "I might not get it"; "It might take too long"; "I might forget it", even worse. Ah, but patience is a major factor in making our dreams come true.

As I have given patience a lot of thought in my own life, here is what I have discovered. See if this pattern seems familiar to you.

<ul>

<li>Sometimes I get what I want right away.

<li>Sometimes I get what I want days, weeks, months, and sometime years later.

<li>Sometimes I don't get what I want but what I really needed, much later.

<li>Sometimes I don't get what I wanted, or what I needed, but got what was best for me, much later.

</ul>

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day!

Well, every time I get what I want right away, I'm just a little taken back by it. I always seem to "expect" to wait for some period of time. It just seems to be the way the universe deals with us. When something comes right away, we forget that triumph very fast and are on to the next deal.

The absolute optimum way to live would to be able to control the timing of every thing that happens to us. But, we can't. On the other side of the coin, if every thing were to just fall on us like ripe apples off a tree, we would be running all over town trying to avoid being knocked out by all the falling apples.

You've heard it said before, "God's delays are not God's denials". I believe that's true. Patience has character building power within it. Patience takes the impossibilities of life and turns them into realities. Patience can also make you feel like taking a long walk off a short pier sometimes.

Waiting Always Lasts Too Long!

That's the part of patience I want to help give you a different perspective on. Patience was designed to help us grow; to help us develop compassion and empathy, and make us strong. Not, to tear us down, to destroy our dreams, or make us wonder if our goals and objectives will ever be realized.

If you look at patience like this it might help: It was not meant to make life hard on you. Of course life is hard, that's why they pay you the big bucks. :>) Patience is part of our lives because God's timing is always better than ours. Now think about it. If you had your way, how many times would you choose to wait for something you really wanted or needed?

Your timing would always be, "I want it now"! And, if it was something that's not desirable, your timing would be to wait, and wait, and wait. So, the universe comes on the scene and says, "Wait, you're moving too fast". And we say, "No I'm not, you are moving too slowly".

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part!

And since the universe always has the final word, we find ourselves, waiting! And, because timing is so crucial to every thing in the universe, we tend to have a hard time understanding what good it is doing us, "waiting".

Here is why waiting bothers us; because we don't know exactly what's on the other end. It might turn out to be something better than sliced bread, or, I might find myself between the devil and the deep blue sea.

The first thing we do is, think of all kind of possibilities that would help us, improve our lifestyle, bring us happiness, reduce aggravation, if only this project would give in to my commands.

As soon as all those wonderful possibilities run their course through our thinking, then all the undesirable outcomes take their turn and start playing the "what if" game with us.

"What if you don't get that pay raise"? "What if you don't get that promotion"? "Be careful, or you'll poke your eye out"; and, all kinds of junky thoughts.

Now, being careful, in your ways, is fine and good. But, understand something; those thoughts are not coming to you to help you become a safe responsible person. Yes, you should. But, those thoughts have a different agenda. And, that is to inject fear into you to cheat you out of your dream.

I promise you this; the very moment you recognize the real intent of those thoughts, you will not shirk your responsibilities and become a reckless person, you will feel the inner power you've been searching for to accomplish that goal, and you will do so in a very responsible manner.

As Luck Would Have It!

I personally believe that if patience was not part of the God's way of helping us grow, we would just let the chips fall where they may.

Since we would not have to wait or resist, why bother caring what happens? It's the struggle, the fight that makes this thing personal to us. Something is trying to beat us, and we take that personally. When unemployment is trying to take your possessions, your dignity, and your self-esteem, you will take it personally!

Life Never Leaves Us With No Way Out!

Patience was not intended to be a destructive force. The lack of patience has caused much damage. Without patience there is a higher and better good that would not be possible in your life. And, that is the power of faith and hope.

Without patience you would have no hope. Everything you wanted would just fall on you. Without patience you would have no faith. All your dreams would materialize instantly. Now, don't get excited, that would really not be good for any of us. Not in this world anyway.

Richard Vegas ?

About The Author

Richard Vegas is a popular recording artist and internet marketing professional. He invites you to subscribe to his FREE weekly ezine "Wing-Tips" Teaching The Success System That Never Fails, at: <a href="http://www.1-work-at-home-based-business-opportunities.com" target="_new">http://www.1-work-at-home-based-business-opportunities.com</a>. You may also hear some of Richard's free music at: <a href="http://www.richardvegas.com" target="_new">http://www.richardvegas.com</a>.

<a href="mailto:webmaster@1-work-at-home-based-business-opportunities.com">webmaster@1-work-at-home-based-business-opportunities.com</a>

What Do You Have To Give?

"Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possessions. It's a mental attitude. It comes from appreciating what we have, instead of being miserable about what we don't have. It's so simple-yet so hard for the human mind to comprehend." ~ Bits & Pieces

Every year millions of us set New Year's resolutions to lose weight, exercise more, manage our money more closely, eat more nutritious foods etc. etc. We usually take a critical look at ourselves and highlight the negative things we feel we need to change.

Today, I offer you a fresh perspective on the idea of resolutions. I invite you to consider instead: what it is that you have to *offer* to the world that up until now you have not been offering fully?

Let's make this your year of contribution. I would like you to take a quick inventory of your natural talents and gifts. Believe me; you have more than you give yourself credit for! Now list one way you can use each gift toward the benefit of others this year. Are you a good listener? Can you make more of an effort to listen to others this year? Are you a talented musician? How could you share your talent with the world? What are you naturally good at and how could you give more of that to your family, your friends, your neighborhood, your job or your community? Are you a talented cook, or painter? Who could you cook for this year that you haven't before? Who could you paint for?

I'm not suggesting you spend every minute of the next year giving away your talents! Just pick a few, your favorites perhaps, the ones that would be fun and start with those. This is a true win-win. You will feel great about yourself as your talents are expressed (and appreciated) as well as the obvious benefits to the recipient. There are a myriad of subtle wins in this type of self-expression, not the least of which is the potential for new or closer relationships with others.

Too often our passions and talents are kept locked away in our houses or apartments and are confined to Saturday morning hobby time. If even that. Let's let them out into the world! Share the wealth of your talent.

Let this be the year you share yourself. Don't be stingy. You were given your natural talents for a reason - you were given them so you could contribute them to the world.

So, what do you have to give?

Deirdre Maigread McEachern is a personal coach who helps her clients experience more joy in their lives. You can contact Deirdre for a complimentary consultation at 207-439-4280 or join her free monthly newsletter at <a target="_new" href="http://www.vip-coaching.com.">http://www.vip-coaching.com.</a>

Transitions: Moving Through Change With Grace

MOVING THROUGH CHANGE

Creating any major change in our lives can also create feelings of discomfort. Tiredness, confusion, and uncertainty are among the many emotions that can be experienced. Moving from one way of doing things to another requires a transitional period. The transition is the middle ground that is required for evolution to occur. It's the place between where you were and where you are going. Usually this middle ground feels unpaved, unstable, lopsided, jagged, and stony. We stumble along with unsure footing wondering if we will ever feel confident again. Our transformation depends on trusting the road will eventually smooth out. Trusting that we are safe even in the midst of change, in the darkness of uncertainty.

I certainly don't have all the answers for how to proceed through change. But my life experiences continue to teach me that change is growth, change is empowerment, and change is life itself. I continue to realize how to embody the process of change with joy even as fear and confusion are present. The strategies below are steps I take to help ground me when I'm scared during a period of transition. Maybe these strategies can also give you a few ideas that can provide firmer footing to navigate a solid path towards your future possibilities.

ACCEPTANCE

Take a moment breathe deeply. Realize you accepted this transition. No one forced you to change or can force you to complete the change. Although it may not be an easy journey, trust that you will be much better off on the other side. Verbally acknowledge and accept the journey that you determined for yourself. You could say something like, &quot;Universe, I am now ready to accept this journey.&quot; Doing this invokes your personal power to successfully achieve your outcome. Now is the time to open your heart energy and ask, &quot;Universe, how are you going to support me in this?&quot;

GRACE

You may feel uncertain while in transition. Here is a question for you - Are you going to curl up, continue to pretend you are powerless (can't have what you want), and desperately seek someone to rescue you from the middle of the road? Or are you going to gather up all your courage and gracefully walk on your own two feet? Two very different ways to experience the moment. It's okay to stumble and fall, we all do it. It's even okay to lie there in the dirt for awhile. We all run our own stories and everyone has had the experience of a temporary pity party. Or as my friend called it the other day - I was on my 'weepy wagon'. She said it was okay. However, she wasn't going to get in and join me in my weepy wagon of self pity. Instead, she would stay with me and pull the handle until I was ready to get out. It was a weepy wagon of old lies and untruths. I'm walking again - much stronger for having fallen.

CHOOSE FAITH

&quot;Feed your faith, not your fears.&quot; Everyday I look at this quote taped to my computer screen. There are only two choices. The greater our fear, the tighter our grip. Do a reality check. Is it time to let go and move into the experience? You will most likely have to move forward while still feeling fear rather than waiting for the fear to pass. Eleanor Roosevelt eloquently stated, &quot;You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do.&quot;

GET SUPPORT

For each of us, we must walk our own path. No one can save us from this journey. No one can pick us up and drop us off on the other side. The journey itself is what offers strength, insight, and wisdom. So we must walk our own road - but that doesn't mean we can't bring some friends along to walk with us for awhile. Meet with a nutrition therapist, coach, friend, or advisor on a regular basis to keep you grounded. These people can help you though the periods of self-doubt and instability. We all need someone to lean on and support us through the bumpy parts.

WORDS ARE POWER

Be acutely aware of the words you use. Do they empower you or leave you feeling powerless? Observe your spoken language and the self talk in your head. Is it positive or negative? Is it detrimental or helpful? Is it rooted in fear or love? Does it stay centered in the present moment? Positive, self-affirming, resourceful, and loving language - spoken or thought - is what allows us to make the journey. Look into your own eyes in the mirror and support your journey.

TAKE A RISK

Change requires us to move from our smaller, confined circle of comfort to one that is larger and more expansive. The edges of the smaller comfort zone need to be faced. Like Columbus sailing off to explore the edge of the ocean, you too are exploring unknown (and feared unsafe) new territory. Choose what feels right for you to safely feel the stretch of growth. Ask yourself each week, "What risk have I taken?" &quot;What success have I experienced?&quot; Make it okay to be a beginner again. It's how we grow and transform. You will inspire others and find strengths you never knew you had.

CREATE A RITUAL TO HONOR THE CHANGE

Take the time to symbolically acknowledge the journey you are on. It is a stage of growth, new learning's, and a new attitude. A ritual can be anything metaphorical that has meaning to you. Perhaps it might be setting something free, cleaning your closet, throwing out your diet books, a celebration of the journey with friends, or even listing all the things that have been holding you back upon little strips of paper and burning them. Take physical action in your life to acknowledge the path you are moving along and to open up to new possibilities that await you just around the corner. Simple daily rituals that nurture your soul will respect the transition that you are in. A ritual may help you close a door that needs to be closed. Honor what has come before, learn from it, and let it go. Acknowledge the present, and give thanks for your future. Receive support from your higher self.

EXERCISE

TRANSITIONAL OBJECT

It might help to carry with you a transitional object that reminds you of your success so far, and helps keeps your vision on your overall goal. The object could be something you touch that reminds you of your journey. Or it could be an item that provides comfort. Think of a baby holding onto a teddy bear or a favorite blanket. Or the function of rosary beads. Link your sense of touch to the feeling of success. Touch, stroke, or handle your item with each small (or large) sense of achievement. Then when you gain strength to go on, touching your object again will remind you of your goal. Here's a list of potential transitional objects you could easily carry in your pocket or on your body:

Small smooth stone

Crystal

Special necklace

Ring for your finger

Sea shell

Symbolic lapel pin

Copyright 2005, Dr. Annette Colby, all rights reserved.

Dr. Annette Colby, RD
Nutrition Therapist & Master Energy Healer
<a href="mailto:Annette@AnnetteColby.com">Annette@AnnetteColby.com</a> 972.985.8750

"Opening Creative Portals to Success"

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